Umm I'm too high to move.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
