Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
