Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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