My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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