Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
