I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
