Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
he shaved USA in his pubs
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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