No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
