i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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