I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
