i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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