do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
