I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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