Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
