I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
