dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
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