While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
