he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
