you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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