True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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