Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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