She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
