is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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