Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Randomize
