y did u give ur computer a hand job?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
We have started to decorate penises.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
