Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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