rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
