She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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