were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
