I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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