Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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