Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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