im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
