thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
