Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
