Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
