did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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