Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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