Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
