Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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