So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
