drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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