If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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