I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
