the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
