he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
