all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
