you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
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