I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
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