i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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