Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
